Friday, September 24, 2010

Sometimes You Have to Climb a Tree

I was talking to my neighbor the other night and he was expressing his frustration with "southern Christian culture" - that Christians tend to drive nonbelievers away because we choose to condemn rather than embrace. And, he added, that mindset is the opposite of what the Christian faith really represents. Christ loved and associated with even the most base in society. He saw beyond sin to the heart and spent time in the presence of sinners without accusing or harboring bitterness toward them. He simply loved, and His love transformed the sinner, not a set of rules or a compelling argument. There were times when he was angry with corruption in the world, but his anger and correction was righteous because of disobedience to God, not because of personal pride. A lot of the animosity I see in believers toward those whose views or lifestyle differ from their own comes more from an attitude of "you should be living like me" than "I want to see your heart changed by the Gospel." (And I include myself in this observation because I've been guilty of it as well.)

My neighbor is not a Christian, so this impression has obviously impacted his decision on whether or not to pursue Christianity. He mentioned that he understands it's human nature to be "intracellular" and stick to who you know, what you know, and to have a hard time embracing what is outside your comfort zone, but it's the Christian's purpose to live differently. I could only agree that many Christians do come at the world with this condescending attitude and that it is the antithesis of what we're about. I told him one thing I really appreciate about my church is their heart and mission for people, and their determination to simply show God's love, not to primarily correct and convert. Sadly, I think this mentality is present in our churches. It's God's love that is transforming, not us - I am glad to be a part of a community that seeks to keep that in mind.

After I talked to him I remembered an insight JD shared the other week about the story of Zacchaeus. He was talking about the part where Zacchaeus climbs the tree to see Jesus as He passes by because he is "short of stature." JD pointed out (and this was only a side note, but it really stuck with me) that if Zacchaeus's only problem was that he was short of stature, he could have moved his way to the front of the crowd and stood in front of people since they could easily see over his head. No, he climbs to the top of the tree because he wouldn't dare push past people who consider him scum of society as a tax collector--they would never allow it. Up there, he can be away from people who criticize and hate him so he can have a better view. But Jesus didn't care about Zacchaeus's social standing. He walked up to the tree and said, "Zacchaeus, you come down!" (So the song goes...) And he walked with Zacchaeus back to his home to visit with him. The point here is that Zacchaeus was surrounded by ridicule and contempt from people who considered him a thief and a lowlier sinner than themselves, but he got away from them because he only wanted to see Jesus. Sometimes you have to put distance between yourself and those who can't see past sin so that you can see Him for who HE is. I genuinely believe there are Christians out there who earnestly live out the Gospel, and I hope to be able to help my neighbor see that too. I struggle to love like Christ loved Zacchaeus because of my own hard heart sometimes. But as a Christian, like this nonbeliever had to remind me, I am called to fight against that sinful human nature.

Let's make it so people don't have to climb a tree to see Jesus. And if they do...let's take our cues from Him, usher them down, and show them what Christ's love is all about.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Hope Floats

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. -Lamentations 3:22-23

The last post was a heap of discouragement and unrest, but you know what? A lot of people let me know they relate and find themselves going through the same thing. I really appreciated that, to know I'm not alone in those times, and it feels good to know I can be totally honest and vulnerable and you people don't judge me for it. I hope I can encourage you a little now too.

While at this time in my life I'm feeling weary of not being able to see or understand God's hand in certain areas, what I have been able to see more clearly is His character. It's funny how God can teach you things even when you're being pretty obstinately unteachable. At my age it has started to become more apparent how familiar feelings of defeat are to me. And maybe that sounds even more disheartening, but it has actually given me a lot of hope lately. Because never once has God forgotten about me when I've despaired. And depending on how you look at it, this valley is more like a mountain because I'm looking back over similar times from the past and seeing God's provision and grace through them. It's not that I couldn't reflect on God's goodness before in my life, but I do think it sinks in better in this season. I have more experience under my belt and God has proven Himself again and again. Call me thick-headed, but it's more comforting to me now than it has been before. As I think about it, times of worry, self-defeat, and apathy, are always followed by freedom from those things,  and renewal and hope. It's not because the circumstances are removed, but because God's mercies are new each day. And like so many times before, He gives me new eyes and a new heart to see the good of life. I'm so glad that along with struggle comes new insight and understanding.

In small group we're studying Daniel and I had an epiphany the other week. When the king sees the hand writing on the wall, the first people he calls to interpret its meaning are magicians and soothsayers, all of whom worship different gods despite the fact that God has proven Himself through Daniel many times. It's only when the king finally resorts to Daniel to interpret that he discovers the writing was an act of the God and He is trying to tell him something. That's when it dawned on me that if I'm not trusting and leaning on God, and truly casting my cares and believing Him...when I see Him at work in my life, I might completely miss it. I think there are some things God will do despite my stubbornness, like teaching me His character as He has the past few weeks. But if my heart is turned from Him and I'm totally self-absorbed like the king of Babylon, it's going to be really difficult to decipher God's hand. Like in any relationship, really knowing and seeking someone will allow you to more fully grasp their nature and recognize their characteristics.

I hope you don't hear me wrong and think I'm saying suddenly all my woes have vanished. Honestly, the things that were heavy on my heart the last time I wrote are still there. But I am saying that God gives me grace to see beyond those things and I'm thankful for it. That's all I really know right now. I always think of hope kind of like a balloon under water. You can push it down, but when you let go, it bounces right back up to the surface. (I don't know, maybe I got that from the movie...but I hope not because it seems pretty genius to me.) Maybe sometimes it's just about waiting and trusting that little balloon is going to come popping back up somewhere.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

A Tangle of Lately

I'm trying to decide between a personal size gourmet white pizza or a spinach salad and soft pretzel for lunch at the moment. This is a very pressing matter. I think the pizza sounds better. But should I go the healthier route and do the salad? Should I take the high road? Anytime the high road includes a soft pretzel I'm pretty much game. I'll let you know how this inner struggle pans out.

The last few days have been interesting. In a very boring, quiet, slightly depressing way. I hope I don't come off as someone who is down a lot. I tend to write more when I'm feeling emotional as therapy, but in general I think I'm a pretty positive person. Maybe I should say I like to think that. Anyway, it's interesting because writing about how I've been feeling hasn't even been something I've felt up to doing lately. I'd rather hole up and nap or watch the tube or eat or something else that eventually just makes me feel worse. But I feel like I'm losing my appetite for life. Just, before you start to get concerned, I don't believe I'm depressed or anything...just going through a dry spell and probably perpetuating it with my own bad habits. And I'm not sure what has changed. I don't know what has switched in my mind that I suddenly feel so tired of my life and sad that it's not what I want it to be. At least, I don't know why it has come on so fast. I think discontent has been mounting for a while, but I didn't expect to feel so lost so suddenly. Last night I expressed this feeling among friends and someone asked me if it was because I went to a wedding this weekend and "she found a husband" [and I haven't.] I don't know, I hope I'm not that predictable and shallow that one might assume going to a wedding makes me depressed just because one of my friends is in love. Please let me never be one of those women. I'm so happy when my friends find love and I can see how genuine and beautiful it is. I love weddings. But I guess sadly in a way she was right, because I feel like I'm struggling with forward motion. And going to a wedding makes me feel like everyone else eventually figures stuff out. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm fortunate to have a job and a place to live and whatnot. But in other ways I feel like I'm standing completely still while others are moving right past me. It's great to have a job and to be making money and yada yada, but when you've plateaued and aren't quite sure where you're going or when you'll get there, it becomes very monotonous. And I don't feel like a grown-up. It's been three years in my job and I think I have far surpassed the point of moving on and moving up. I'm trying to find something else but it's slow-going and discouraging not knowing really even what I want to do with my life. And relationships are another story. I've been waiting for the right person and the right timing, feeling more ready than I ever have, all the while thinking I might have passed it up. This is where it's especially hard to not be able to see God's bigger picture. I listen to single girlfriends talk about this subject all the time, and usually give them the same advice: God is wise in His timing--learn to trust and be patient. I should take my own advice, but boy, what a hard pill to swallow. It's something I know I want and I feel ready for. But I keep watching it happen to other people. I also don't know if I'll ever feel completely confident about love because I am such a second-guesser. I am so envious of people who take the risk of falling in love - I have never felt it's that easy.

And now here I am, frustrated to the point of letting go and not caring. My life feels stagnant, like nothing is happening, good or bad. I know I have the power to change that and that it doesn't depend on having a relationship or a new job, but those things have worn me out for the time being and I don't feel like trying right now. I want to want more for myself and to stop feeling sorry for myself. I want to want to take the reins and go somewhere or just do something. But do you ever just feel like you want to be stuck where you are and not care for a while? Even while you know you're making things worse? Urgh.

This would be the point in the post where I might quote Scripture or someone very wise to give all of this a positive spin. But forgive me for not wanting to recite the cliche response. I don't feel I have a whole lot of resolution for the time being...and I'm just being totally honest.

I've decided on the salad with the pretzel, which ties up at least one loose end...

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

One Phone Call from Our Knees

Yesterday my church body grieved together with the family of one of our pastors whose wife gave birth to her baby at only 26 1/2 weeks. He was on this earth for less than a day as he developed a bacterial infection that took his life. This amazing family is such a strong testimony to our church. They have adopted two children internationally and have been very influential advocates for adoption, especially from a biblical perspective. I know they have challenged me to consider adoption in a different light than I ever would have if they weren't an active part of that ministry. I'm sure Keva's heart was joyful when she learned she was pregnant, given that doctors told her in the beginning she would not be able to conceive. I can only imagine the confidence and hope that built with each new day the baby grew stronger and more active inside her belly. It seemed to me that God wanted to demonstrate His glory through their family with the testimony of life despite abandonment, neglect, and now medical apprehension. It was the perfect story for two people obeying and trusting in God, and answering His call in the ministry of their daily roles.

But sometimes what makes sense to us as humans is just plain not God's plan. I think I get caught up in believing events will play out a certain way because I convince myself I know God's perspective. God will bless this family with their own child because they are so faithful in their ministry and have provided such a good home for the children they already have. But the truth is, I can't predict what God will do. I will never think like God thinks and I will never be big enough to understand His plan. As difficult as that is in the here and now, what it means for us is that we have to trust Him with our lives. We have to let go of the thought that we control any aspect and surrender it to the One who truly does. And ultimately, that is comforting because we are not expected to figure things out or ever go it alone. We only need to trust. There are times in life when that becomes painfully evident.

Yesterday I was listening to the song "Closer to Love" by Mat Kearney, and this line caught my attention: "I guess we're all one phone call from our knees." It reminded me, especially in light of yesterday, how close each of us are to losing everything we hold so dear on Earth. In an instant, a loved one could be gone or our own life could be over. This song hits close to home with me because I know what it's like to anticipate a phone call that will bring me to my knees, crying out to God. My sister battled an illness that almost took her life several times, and there were nights I never stopped pleading with God, even as I slept, for her life. I was all too prepared for the phone to ring any given moment and would dream I picked it up throughout the night to hear a numb voice deliver the news. God chose to miraculously spare my sister's life, but being in that place of agony and dependency showed me how helpless I am to know or sway God's plan. At that time, literally all I could do was cry out to Him like a child and beg for what I wanted. But like a father, God knows what is best beyond what we can see for ourselves. The outcome could have been completely different--I could have lost my sister one of those nights. That could have been what God deemed best, despite the fact that she honored and obeyed Him with her life. We can hold so tightly to what we treasure most and believe we have a firm grip, but in reality, it's completely out of our control. It only takes a moment to realize how helpless we really are.

I'm sure the Atwoods felt that when little Chai passed away yesterday. I'm sure their hopes and dreams and plans came crashing in and their world was shaken. But they choose to believe in death what they have believed in life. Trevor wrote "Today much changed, Jesus did not. The gospel is true in the face of death. Thx to the 1st born among many brothers. Chai Samuel is yours." God is all-knowing and His plan is perfect, beyond what we can see. In heartrending moments like that we make the choice whether to allow our finite minds to gauge the situation and deplete our hope, or simply to allow God to continue painting the picture of which we can only see a small part. Unfortunately it might not mean God will choose to bless us or others by our estimation. But He does show us mercy even through pain by drawing us closer to Him like a father bending down to scoop up his hurting child. And because of the sting of our present circumstances, we reach up, crying out for Him. It is through that bond that we understand our frailty and inability to save ourselves from the curse of sin. We discover that we can only be whole in Christ.

The Atwoods asked people to pray Romans 8:18-30 for Baby Chai yesterday. These are verses 28-30:

28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

God's good does not always look like our good. But when we believe it is better, we have insight into His character and His will for us. It will allow us to grieve with the hope that one day we will be complete and we will better understand. It gives us a reason to trust beyond our understanding.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

I'm Not Naked

I bet you're wondering about the title of this post. Or maybe not...but I'm going to explain it anyway. In small group the other week we were in 2 Corinthians and read through Paul's account of some of the trials he endured in his ministry.

Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my own countrymen, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false brothers. I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked. Besides everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches. Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn?

Julie was pretty amazed by the fact that one of the circumstances Paul faced was being naked. Talk about being (literally) stripped of even your basic conveniences...Paul was forced to go without even a shirt on his back at times. And without pants, for that matter. I mean, it says naked. For all the complaining she does about her circumstances, she commented, never once has she been involuntarily naked.

Paul knew what it was like to suffer, even down to the smallest detail. Not only was he persecuted, hungry, and living in poverty, sometimes he didn't even have anything to cover his body. When I read those words, I try to imagine what that would have been like. In my comfort and convenience, even that is hard. And yet, in my prayers I often find myself saying to God "this is unfair" and asking "why do I have to go through this?" That night in small group as we read over Paul's words, we only half-jokingly decided that when someone in the group begins to complain, we'll simply ask them "are you naked?" to remind each other things could still be worse. Much worse.

I have to admit that one of the said posts I began to write last week consisted of lots of complaining. I had a challenging week, feeling hurt over a couple relationship issues happening at the same time. I began, once again, thinking my circumstances were unfair and I didn't deserve them. All week I sat at my desk at work, turning these thoughts of discontent over in my head, and carried them home with me each night. I prayed that God would give me a better attitude and outlook, but only because I wanted to feel happier, not necessarily because I wanted to exercise grace. Despite my stubborness, God did pull me out of my self-made rut and gave me a better attitude. I don't know that the circumstances improved, but that doesn't necessarily matter--He has allowed me to feel His love and presence in spite of them. In turn, I can love even those who don't love me (or at least don't act like they do.) That is my calling. So why do I sit around acting like the victim, seeking sympathy and complaining? It makes me slip further and further into unhappiness, and yet I seem to want to drown in my misery. And if God didn't show me grace by renewing my spirit, I would. I admit it feels good to complain and to seek what is my idea of justice. But that satisfaction is temporary and I miss so much when I choose to dwell in it.

Note that Paul lists his afflictions, and then adds that while enduring all of them, his primary concern is still the church. While he personally faces countless tribulations, he still values the life and purpose of the church above his own. I think that part is the most important for me to understand. I should not only recognize the grace I'm given in tough circumstances, I should love people and value their lives and salvation through it. And I should have an attitude of thankfulness. That requires seeing above and beyond my situation. And I think that is partly how God can give me a different outlook, because I'm not primarily focused on myself. Of course, that's the very last thing I want to do usually. But that should be a constant practice on my part, no matter what my condition.

Philippians 4:11-12

I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

Don't get my wrong in all this. I'm not saying that I (or you) shouldn't feel pain in hard times or that it shouldn't be difficult to face trials in life just because they aren't as severe as Paul's. I think it's ok to acknowledge your hurt and cry out to God to ask Him to comfort and heal your heart. But I know I stumble not in feeling hurt, but in dwelling on my pain and the "unfairness" of it. And I think that takes root in an attitude of entitlement, as if I shouldn't have to suffer. When I begin thinking I don't deserve what I'm going through, I'm already wrong. I do deserve it...I don't deserve the grace God gives me to endure it. Notice Paul says he had to learn how to be content. Our human reaction (even for Paul) is to be unhappy when things are hard. Maybe it's remembering the grace sparing us from death in those times that will allow us to praise.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I want to praise God more. I want my prayer life to largely consist of thanksgiving for what God has spared me from, what He gives me, and what He does through me. Life isn't perfect and it won't be, but I waste so much time complaining that I fail to recognize the blessings. And worse, I fail to honor God for His goodness and faithfulness in my life. Even in harder times, I want to know the importance of praise, because most likely, even then...I'm not naked.

;)

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Slow and Steady

First of all, Happy Easter! I am sitting in my living room, windows open, birds chirping, sun shining, breeze flowing, and I'm feeling extra reminded of God's love and grace for me today, that there is NO greater love than the love my Savior has for me, to die in my place and to live again that I might have a relationship with Him.

Last weekend I went to Charleston with seven amazing ladies to run a 10K. It was such a fun weekend and I felt a sense of accomplishment for running the whole thing. I wasn't sure if I would be able to do it since I had only run 4 1/2 miles practicing. But I had a great running partner, Kelly, who is probably capable of running it much faster, but is dealing with an injury and less practice. We stayed together the whole time and I felt like I could have run two more miles when we were done. It was a great first race and I'm excited to do more!



Sarah, Julie and I went for a hot pink theme, and we didn't mean to, but the whole group ended up looking like a rainbow. We were very colorful. The last picture is before the race started. It was so dark and cold and we had to stand around for about two and a half hours before we started. I made a stupid decision to wear shorts and I think I had goosebumps for the entire two and a half hours. But I was fine once we started running.

Running over the Cooper River Bridge was my favorite part. I could see so far from up that high and everything looked so beautiful.

This is us after the race. We were sooo cold. 

Out on the town and feeling like we deserved it!

Our "sorority." Our theme, "Slow and steady wins the race!" That was very true for me. Well, not the winning part, but the slow and steady part. It helped me to finish! And as far as that goes, I suppose as long as you finish, you're still a winner! ;-)

I'm so glad I have friends who like to be active and do fun things like this. Next up, Summit 10K...I am going to have to get more creative with my practicing though. It's getting hot!

Monday, March 8, 2010

Forgiveness is a concept I've never wanted to delve into too deeply because I knew I'd have to face some lingering bitterness in my life that I wasn't fully ready to let go of yet. But God has a way of putting people in my life and planting seeds of thought to begin a new perspective for me that I can't ignore. It has occurred to me lately I can't just put my anger and resentment on a shelf and believe that I have reconciled the situation in my heart, or truly forgiven someone, or honored God through it. And I certainly can't love people that way. I've been learning that hard lesson lately because I keep finding that all it takes is the reminder of past hurt to drum up the bitterness I merely tried to cover over in the first place.
And for a while, really until this point in my life, I was ok with only thinly veiling my animosity toward people and situations in my life that have caused me pain. I wanted to be angry and hold onto what happened. I wasn't ready to forgive and I didn't want to forget. There were certain things I considered unfair and unreasonable, so I felt justified in keeping them just below the surface. I didn't want to get over them and I refused to see the good in trying.

What made things worse was that I knew people on the other side of broken relationships still held firmly to their hurt and bitterness as well. I knew they still blamed me or people I am close to for their pain. I knew they hadn't forgiven me for my wrongs, and hearing their viewpoint further justified my holding on. I felt there was no valid reason to try to forgive someone when they had obviously not forgiven me, and still very much believed they should not bear the weight of the blame.

I talked to my little sister about a week ago for a short time about a situation I told myself I had resolved in my heart, but realized I had not as angry words surfaced in our conversation. I really needed her wisdom and understanding on the subject to show the stark contrast between the choices each of us had made regarding it. She gently reminded me that continuing to allow myself to refresh my anger would only perpetuate the hurt. The decision she made in the situation was to forgive and love despite any wrongdoing toward her, and to fight the temptation to think or talk bitterly behind anyone's back. Surrounding my conversation with her, God has really been working on my heart to show me the decay that withholding forgiveness can create. I have become more sensitive to the built-up hostility in my heart and have noticed the cycle it throws me into. Not letting go of that pain and the anger that follows allows me to keep negative thoughts fresh. It means I'm more likely to think and speak unkindly, and gives me a reason to do so more often. I can honestly say bitterness has eaten away at me in some areas of my life. The longer I let it go without reconciling my ill feelings, the more destruction I see in my life. I have been a prisoner to it. I found myself asking God to bring restoration to my heart, and realizing to do that I needed to unclench my fists and discover what forgiveness really meant.

I've had a hard time with forgiveness in the past because I understood the concept well enough, but I didn't know how to do it. I felt like I could speak or pray the words, but the hurt would still be in my heart. How could I fully let go of that?

The best way I have heard the Christian's charge to forgive is the way my pastor describes it. He says if we have a problem with forgiveness, we don't fully grasp what Christ did for us on the cross. Think of it, we sinned and turned our backs on our Creator and Savior and He chose to die in our place. I've heard it so many times, my mind often fails to grasp the magnitude of that sacrifice. I think of it in terms of those I am trying to forgive, and their wrongs against me are not even a fraction of my wrongs against Christ. How then, can I not forgive? Like the servant in Matt.18:21-35 who owed ten thousand talents he could not pay, my debt has been cancelled and I am free. If I turn around and withhold the same mercy from my brother, it shows a lack of understanding or caring for what has just been miraculously given to me.

Lately I find that forgiveness is a release to God, and a promise to continue surrendering whatever thoughts of bitterness enter my mind. It is a difficult practice. It does not come naturally to me. I am tempted to dwell on the pain and the things I detest about those who have caused it. I find it is a constant effort to keep fresh in my mind the importance of handing these feelings over to God. But I trust He will make this easier in time, and have already seen a difference.

Forgiveness is not sweeping hard feelings under the rug and it is not contingent on another person's cooperation. While we rejected Christ and sinned against Him, He forgave and loved us anyway. If I only forgive and love those who forgive and love me, I am not doing all Christ did and called me to do. Really, I'm not doing much. In my humanness, I want the satisfaction of knowing someone realizes the ways they hurt me, and for them to ask my forgiveness in return. But the truth is, they may never see that. And forgiveness goes above and beyond forgetting the past. To fully embrace it, I have to make the choice to simply love in return--in return for love (which is easy) and in return for hate (clearly, hard.)

I have to admit I'm not good at this yet, but a prayer I have made my own is that when I'm determined to make someone pay their debt in full, I will look back and see the burden of ten thousand talents from which I have just been set free.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

A Very Merry Ted and Carrie Berry Weekend

This weekend was a short but sweet burst of laughs, memories, and great friends. Ted and Carrie made the trek from Cincinnati to visit sunny Durham (for this lucky weekend anyway). We did Cook-out, pancakes, 9th Street, church, sushi, junk food, lots of "dishing", meeting some friends, Arrested Development, and a hearty Elmo's brunch. It was just like the extravaganzas of old. We can always pick up right where we left off and never miss a beat, which is a good indicator of kindred spirits in my book. Not to mention we withstood a colossal overflowing toilet incident and the subsequent messy clean-up. Amidst that adventure, I was reminded of the fact that whatever disaster befalls Carrie and myself will surely end in fits of hysteria and laughter. (Don't forget we were stricken with scabies together in college. After things like that, you learn to laugh at the ridiculous scenarios in life...not that we wouldn't anyway.)

Without further ado, here are some highlights of our most excellent weekend.
It's always a good time with the Berrys and I am so grateful to count them among my life-long friends. Thanks for the visit, and y'all come back now, ya hear? Snort snort

Monday, January 18, 2010

Dickinson of the Blog-o-Sphere

I've had this blog for a while, but it has morphed into a few different kinds of blogs along the way. My first goal was to blog every day for a whole year. I think that started last spring. That didn't quite pan out, so it turned into the kind of blog that I would contribute to very regularly, just not every day. Then I actually ended up thinking and writing more deeply because I wasn't doing it every single day. For me, writing deeper posts usually means half of my blog sits in draft, waiting to be really developed so I can feel okay with sharing it with the world. I'm a frustrated blogger.

Now that some friends have taken an interest in blogging again (post-Xanga craze), I really want to join them. So I decided to add all previous posts to draft, and if I ever get around to putting finishing touches on any of them, I'll re-post. For now, this frustrated blogger is starting anew. Day One. (Okay, Day Many Past One.) If I have readers, I'll be more encouraged to keep writing. Unfortunately sometimes that also encourages me to hide what I write if I don't think it's good enough. I'm like a blog recluse...perhaps one day when I am dead they will find my ramblings and I will live on in the annuls of...history? Somehow I think it might not work that way.

Anyway, hello world. I'm back!