Forgiveness is a concept I've never wanted to delve into too deeply because I knew I'd have to face some lingering bitterness in my life that I wasn't fully ready to let go of yet. But God has a way of putting people in my life and planting seeds of thought to begin a new perspective for me that I can't ignore. It has occurred to me lately I can't just put my anger and resentment on a shelf and believe that I have reconciled the situation in my heart, or truly forgiven someone, or honored God through it. And I certainly can't love people that way. I've been learning that hard lesson lately because I keep finding that all it takes is the reminder of past hurt to drum up the bitterness I merely tried to cover over in the first place.
And for a while, really until this point in my life, I was ok with only thinly veiling my animosity toward people and situations in my life that have caused me pain. I wanted to be angry and hold onto what happened. I wasn't ready to forgive and I didn't want to forget. There were certain things I considered unfair and unreasonable, so I felt justified in keeping them just below the surface. I didn't want to get over them and I refused to see the good in trying.

What made things worse was that I knew people on the other side of broken relationships still held firmly to their hurt and bitterness as well. I knew they still blamed me or people I am close to for their pain. I knew they hadn't forgiven me for my wrongs, and hearing their viewpoint further justified my holding on. I felt there was no valid reason to try to forgive someone when they had obviously not forgiven me, and still very much believed they should not bear the weight of the blame.

I talked to my little sister about a week ago for a short time about a situation I told myself I had resolved in my heart, but realized I had not as angry words surfaced in our conversation. I really needed her wisdom and understanding on the subject to show the stark contrast between the choices each of us had made regarding it. She gently reminded me that continuing to allow myself to refresh my anger would only perpetuate the hurt. The decision she made in the situation was to forgive and love despite any wrongdoing toward her, and to fight the temptation to think or talk bitterly behind anyone's back. Surrounding my conversation with her, God has really been working on my heart to show me the decay that withholding forgiveness can create. I have become more sensitive to the built-up hostility in my heart and have noticed the cycle it throws me into. Not letting go of that pain and the anger that follows allows me to keep negative thoughts fresh. It means I'm more likely to think and speak unkindly, and gives me a reason to do so more often. I can honestly say bitterness has eaten away at me in some areas of my life. The longer I let it go without reconciling my ill feelings, the more destruction I see in my life. I have been a prisoner to it. I found myself asking God to bring restoration to my heart, and realizing to do that I needed to unclench my fists and discover what forgiveness really meant.

I've had a hard time with forgiveness in the past because I understood the concept well enough, but I didn't know how to do it. I felt like I could speak or pray the words, but the hurt would still be in my heart. How could I fully let go of that?

The best way I have heard the Christian's charge to forgive is the way my pastor describes it. He says if we have a problem with forgiveness, we don't fully grasp what Christ did for us on the cross. Think of it, we sinned and turned our backs on our Creator and Savior and He chose to die in our place. I've heard it so many times, my mind often fails to grasp the magnitude of that sacrifice. I think of it in terms of those I am trying to forgive, and their wrongs against me are not even a fraction of my wrongs against Christ. How then, can I not forgive? Like the servant in Matt.18:21-35 who owed ten thousand talents he could not pay, my debt has been cancelled and I am free. If I turn around and withhold the same mercy from my brother, it shows a lack of understanding or caring for what has just been miraculously given to me.

Lately I find that forgiveness is a release to God, and a promise to continue surrendering whatever thoughts of bitterness enter my mind. It is a difficult practice. It does not come naturally to me. I am tempted to dwell on the pain and the things I detest about those who have caused it. I find it is a constant effort to keep fresh in my mind the importance of handing these feelings over to God. But I trust He will make this easier in time, and have already seen a difference.

Forgiveness is not sweeping hard feelings under the rug and it is not contingent on another person's cooperation. While we rejected Christ and sinned against Him, He forgave and loved us anyway. If I only forgive and love those who forgive and love me, I am not doing all Christ did and called me to do. Really, I'm not doing much. In my humanness, I want the satisfaction of knowing someone realizes the ways they hurt me, and for them to ask my forgiveness in return. But the truth is, they may never see that. And forgiveness goes above and beyond forgetting the past. To fully embrace it, I have to make the choice to simply love in return--in return for love (which is easy) and in return for hate (clearly, hard.)

I have to admit I'm not good at this yet, but a prayer I have made my own is that when I'm determined to make someone pay their debt in full, I will look back and see the burden of ten thousand talents from which I have just been set free.