Sunday, January 2, 2011

January One, Gotta Lotta Things On My Mind

That's part of a song I love by Jars of Clay, and it always pops into my head on New Year's Day (go figure). Another line is "I'm looking at my body through a new spy satellite." To me, the new year always brings both reflection on the past and looking forward to the future, welcome or not. It's the point in the year I feel very aware of time, and what I've done with mine, and what I'm going to proceed to do with it. It makes me feel nostalgic, hopeful, blessed and very grateful. Sometimes it makes me feel a little guilty because I spend a lot of my time failing to use it as a gift. It seems to me the new year becomes a little more meaningful and urgent as I get older. I think God always finds ways to prod us and say "hey, are you living? are you really living?" But it's how we choose to respond to that voice that makes all the difference. Apparently after a hundred (thousand, million) times, it finally starts to click a little for me.

At the start of a new year, I'm looking at my body through a new spy satellite. And by that, I mean I'm taking a good look at myself. I'm looking at where I've been and how I've doubted and neglected, and where I've had faith and how I've prevented growth, and how I allowed growth. I'm looking at the times God had to be so incredibly patient with me as I went through the motions with an empty heart. I'm remembering the times I appeared a loving person, but was not actually loving. I'm looking at the times I was down and didn't call on God, but rather relied on myself. I'm looking at the times God picked me up and carried me because I was being a stubborn child, and through His grace, I realized He was stronger. I'm looking at the people and circumstances around me that allowed me to see God's love first-hand. Looking back, all I know is God has chosen to work through and speak to me despite my ways. It's not that I see my year as a year of mistakes, it's just that God's grace is so apparent in light of them, I can't help but reflect on them at the edge of another beginning.

God has also blessed me with a simple truth this year. That is if I draw near to Him, He will draw near to me. I have only scratched the surface of the beauty of that promise. I mentioned my reflection over the times I went through the motions without really wanting to know God. I finally faced that resurfacing struggle this year and know it will be a challenge as long as I'm not genuinely laying all else aside for His presence. What I want this year is to really know God. Not to be able to recite who He is or why He came or what He has done. But to really know Him as my personal redeemer, Savior, and friend closer than a brother. I want the time I spend in solitude with Jesus to be the best part of my day. I want to be in love with Him.

Service also seems so much more urgent to me now, at the start of this new year more than ever. Another question I feel deep inside is "why are you here?" This isn't all a grand scheme dreamed up solely for our enjoyment, but I so often treat life as if it is. Laziness is something I quite easily fall into, and it's something I want to fight against this year. I realize it's easy to stand at the beginning of a year and proclaim you're going to stop this, start that, and suddenly transform. It's another thing altogether to actually follow through. Also, I'm the queen of resolutions. I really am. There's always something new I want to try, something exciting to think about, or some way I can change myself, my friends, or the world. Often, I lose heart and jump ship before much is accomplished. The only way I can think to prevent certain failure in my desire to love and serve more...is to strive earnestly in my first desire: to really know God. I believe the latter flows from a heart so near to God.

It's humbling to admit I need to get back to basic truth and just know God in my life right now. If I hadn't stumbled so much in my walk with Him in the past, I might be further by now and asking for bigger things. But I know God has me here, asking for this according to His timing and plan. And instead of prolonging what He wants for me, it's time to act on it.

Anyway, that is what's on my heart for 2011. What's on yours?

Carry me, cause I'm just a dead man lying on the carpet, can't find a heartbeat
Make me breathe, I'm tired of the old man, wanna be the new one
Out with the old plan