I'm Not Naked

I bet you're wondering about the title of this post. Or maybe not...but I'm going to explain it anyway. In small group the other week we were in 2 Corinthians and read through Paul's account of some of the trials he endured in his ministry.

Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my own countrymen, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false brothers. I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked. Besides everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches. Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn?

Julie was pretty amazed by the fact that one of the circumstances Paul faced was being naked. Talk about being (literally) stripped of even your basic conveniences...Paul was forced to go without even a shirt on his back at times. And without pants, for that matter. I mean, it says naked. For all the complaining she does about her circumstances, she commented, never once has she been involuntarily naked.

Paul knew what it was like to suffer, even down to the smallest detail. Not only was he persecuted, hungry, and living in poverty, sometimes he didn't even have anything to cover his body. When I read those words, I try to imagine what that would have been like. In my comfort and convenience, even that is hard. And yet, in my prayers I often find myself saying to God "this is unfair" and asking "why do I have to go through this?" That night in small group as we read over Paul's words, we only half-jokingly decided that when someone in the group begins to complain, we'll simply ask them "are you naked?" to remind each other things could still be worse. Much worse.

I have to admit that one of the said posts I began to write last week consisted of lots of complaining. I had a challenging week, feeling hurt over a couple relationship issues happening at the same time. I began, once again, thinking my circumstances were unfair and I didn't deserve them. All week I sat at my desk at work, turning these thoughts of discontent over in my head, and carried them home with me each night. I prayed that God would give me a better attitude and outlook, but only because I wanted to feel happier, not necessarily because I wanted to exercise grace. Despite my stubborness, God did pull me out of my self-made rut and gave me a better attitude. I don't know that the circumstances improved, but that doesn't necessarily matter--He has allowed me to feel His love and presence in spite of them. In turn, I can love even those who don't love me (or at least don't act like they do.) That is my calling. So why do I sit around acting like the victim, seeking sympathy and complaining? It makes me slip further and further into unhappiness, and yet I seem to want to drown in my misery. And if God didn't show me grace by renewing my spirit, I would. I admit it feels good to complain and to seek what is my idea of justice. But that satisfaction is temporary and I miss so much when I choose to dwell in it.

Note that Paul lists his afflictions, and then adds that while enduring all of them, his primary concern is still the church. While he personally faces countless tribulations, he still values the life and purpose of the church above his own. I think that part is the most important for me to understand. I should not only recognize the grace I'm given in tough circumstances, I should love people and value their lives and salvation through it. And I should have an attitude of thankfulness. That requires seeing above and beyond my situation. And I think that is partly how God can give me a different outlook, because I'm not primarily focused on myself. Of course, that's the very last thing I want to do usually. But that should be a constant practice on my part, no matter what my condition.

Philippians 4:11-12

I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

Don't get my wrong in all this. I'm not saying that I (or you) shouldn't feel pain in hard times or that it shouldn't be difficult to face trials in life just because they aren't as severe as Paul's. I think it's ok to acknowledge your hurt and cry out to God to ask Him to comfort and heal your heart. But I know I stumble not in feeling hurt, but in dwelling on my pain and the "unfairness" of it. And I think that takes root in an attitude of entitlement, as if I shouldn't have to suffer. When I begin thinking I don't deserve what I'm going through, I'm already wrong. I do deserve it...I don't deserve the grace God gives me to endure it. Notice Paul says he had to learn how to be content. Our human reaction (even for Paul) is to be unhappy when things are hard. Maybe it's remembering the grace sparing us from death in those times that will allow us to praise.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I want to praise God more. I want my prayer life to largely consist of thanksgiving for what God has spared me from, what He gives me, and what He does through me. Life isn't perfect and it won't be, but I waste so much time complaining that I fail to recognize the blessings. And worse, I fail to honor God for His goodness and faithfulness in my life. Even in harder times, I want to know the importance of praise, because most likely, even then...I'm not naked.

;)

Slow and Steady

First of all, Happy Easter! I am sitting in my living room, windows open, birds chirping, sun shining, breeze flowing, and I'm feeling extra reminded of God's love and grace for me today, that there is NO greater love than the love my Savior has for me, to die in my place and to live again that I might have a relationship with Him.

Last weekend I went to Charleston with seven amazing ladies to run a 10K. It was such a fun weekend and I felt a sense of accomplishment for running the whole thing. I wasn't sure if I would be able to do it since I had only run 4 1/2 miles practicing. But I had a great running partner, Kelly, who is probably capable of running it much faster, but is dealing with an injury and less practice. We stayed together the whole time and I felt like I could have run two more miles when we were done. It was a great first race and I'm excited to do more!

Sarah, Julie and I went for a hot pink theme, and we didn't mean to, but the whole group ended up looking like a rainbow. We were very colorful. The last picture is before the race started. It was so dark and cold and we had to stand around for about two and a half hours before we started. I made a stupid decision to wear shorts and I think I had goosebumps for the entire two and a half hours. But I was fine once we started running.

Running over the Cooper River Bridge was my favorite part. I could see so far from up that high and everything looked so beautiful.

This is us after the race. We were sooo cold. 

Out on the town and feeling like we deserved it!

Our "sorority." Our theme, "Slow and steady wins the race!" That was very true for me. Well, not the winning part, but the slow and steady part. It helped me to finish! And as far as that goes, I suppose as long as you finish, you're still a winner! ;-)

I'm so glad I have friends who like to be active and do fun things like this. Next up, Summit 10K...I am going to have to get more creative with my practicing though. It's getting hot!

Forgiveness is a concept I've never wanted to delve into too deeply because I knew I'd have to face some lingering bitterness in my life that I wasn't fully ready to let go of yet. But God has a way of putting people in my life and planting seeds of thought to begin a new perspective for me that I can't ignore. It has occurred to me lately I can't just put my anger and resentment on a shelf and believe that I have reconciled the situation in my heart, or truly forgiven someone, or honored God through it. And I certainly can't love people that way. I've been learning that hard lesson lately because I keep finding that all it takes is the reminder of past hurt to drum up the bitterness I merely tried to cover over in the first place.
And for a while, really until this point in my life, I was ok with only thinly veiling my animosity toward people and situations in my life that have caused me pain. I wanted to be angry and hold onto what happened. I wasn't ready to forgive and I didn't want to forget. There were certain things I considered unfair and unreasonable, so I felt justified in keeping them just below the surface. I didn't want to get over them and I refused to see the good in trying.

What made things worse was that I knew people on the other side of broken relationships still held firmly to their hurt and bitterness as well. I knew they still blamed me or people I am close to for their pain. I knew they hadn't forgiven me for my wrongs, and hearing their viewpoint further justified my holding on. I felt there was no valid reason to try to forgive someone when they had obviously not forgiven me, and still very much believed they should not bear the weight of the blame.

I talked to my little sister about a week ago for a short time about a situation I told myself I had resolved in my heart, but realized I had not as angry words surfaced in our conversation. I really needed her wisdom and understanding on the subject to show the stark contrast between the choices each of us had made regarding it. She gently reminded me that continuing to allow myself to refresh my anger would only perpetuate the hurt. The decision she made in the situation was to forgive and love despite any wrongdoing toward her, and to fight the temptation to think or talk bitterly behind anyone's back. Surrounding my conversation with her, God has really been working on my heart to show me the decay that withholding forgiveness can create. I have become more sensitive to the built-up hostility in my heart and have noticed the cycle it throws me into. Not letting go of that pain and the anger that follows allows me to keep negative thoughts fresh. It means I'm more likely to think and speak unkindly, and gives me a reason to do so more often. I can honestly say bitterness has eaten away at me in some areas of my life. The longer I let it go without reconciling my ill feelings, the more destruction I see in my life. I have been a prisoner to it. I found myself asking God to bring restoration to my heart, and realizing to do that I needed to unclench my fists and discover what forgiveness really meant.

I've had a hard time with forgiveness in the past because I understood the concept well enough, but I didn't know how to do it. I felt like I could speak or pray the words, but the hurt would still be in my heart. How could I fully let go of that?

The best way I have heard the Christian's charge to forgive is the way my pastor describes it. He says if we have a problem with forgiveness, we don't fully grasp what Christ did for us on the cross. Think of it, we sinned and turned our backs on our Creator and Savior and He chose to die in our place. I've heard it so many times, my mind often fails to grasp the magnitude of that sacrifice. I think of it in terms of those I am trying to forgive, and their wrongs against me are not even a fraction of my wrongs against Christ. How then, can I not forgive? Like the servant in Matt.18:21-35 who owed ten thousand talents he could not pay, my debt has been cancelled and I am free. If I turn around and withhold the same mercy from my brother, it shows a lack of understanding or caring for what has just been miraculously given to me.

Lately I find that forgiveness is a release to God, and a promise to continue surrendering whatever thoughts of bitterness enter my mind. It is a difficult practice. It does not come naturally to me. I am tempted to dwell on the pain and the things I detest about those who have caused it. I find it is a constant effort to keep fresh in my mind the importance of handing these feelings over to God. But I trust He will make this easier in time, and have already seen a difference.

Forgiveness is not sweeping hard feelings under the rug and it is not contingent on another person's cooperation. While we rejected Christ and sinned against Him, He forgave and loved us anyway. If I only forgive and love those who forgive and love me, I am not doing all Christ did and called me to do. Really, I'm not doing much. In my humanness, I want the satisfaction of knowing someone realizes the ways they hurt me, and for them to ask my forgiveness in return. But the truth is, they may never see that. And forgiveness goes above and beyond forgetting the past. To fully embrace it, I have to make the choice to simply love in return--in return for love (which is easy) and in return for hate (clearly, hard.)

I have to admit I'm not good at this yet, but a prayer I have made my own is that when I'm determined to make someone pay their debt in full, I will look back and see the burden of ten thousand talents from which I have just been set free.

A Very Merry Ted and Carrie Berry Weekend

This weekend was a short but sweet burst of laughs, memories, and great friends. Ted and Carrie made the trek from Cincinnati to visit sunny Durham (for this lucky weekend anyway). We did Cook-out, pancakes, 9th Street, church, sushi, junk food, lots of "dishing", meeting some friends, Arrested Development, and a hearty Elmo's brunch. It was just like the extravaganzas of old. We can always pick up right where we left off and never miss a beat, which is a good indicator of kindred spirits in my book. Not to mention we withstood a colossal overflowing toilet incident and the subsequent messy clean-up. Amidst that adventure, I was reminded of the fact that whatever disaster befalls Carrie and myself will surely end in fits of hysteria and laughter. (Don't forget we were stricken with scabies together in college. After things like that, you learn to laugh at the ridiculous scenarios in life...not that we wouldn't anyway.)

Without further ado, here are some highlights of our most excellent weekend.

It's always a good time with the Berrys and I am so grateful to count them among my life-long friends. Thanks for the visit, and y'all come back now, ya hear? Snort snort

Dickinson of the Blog-o-Sphere

I've had this blog for a while, but it has morphed into a few different kinds of blogs along the way. My first goal was to blog every day for a whole year. I think that started last spring. That didn't quite pan out, so it turned into the kind of blog that I would contribute to very regularly, just not every day. Then I actually ended up thinking and writing more deeply because I wasn't doing it every single day. For me, writing deeper posts usually means half of my blog sits in draft, waiting to be really developed so I can feel okay with sharing it with the world. I'm a frustrated blogger.

Now that some friends have taken an interest in blogging again (post-Xanga craze), I really want to join them. So I decided to add all previous posts to draft, and if I ever get around to putting finishing touches on any of them, I'll re-post. For now, this frustrated blogger is starting anew. Day One. (Okay, Day Many Past One.) If I have readers, I'll be more encouraged to keep writing. Unfortunately sometimes that also encourages me to hide what I write if I don't think it's good enough. I'm like a blog recluse...perhaps one day when I am dead they will find my ramblings and I will live on in the annuls of...history? Somehow I think it might not work that way.

Anyway, hello world. I'm back!