I'm trying to decide between a personal size gourmet white pizza or a spinach salad and soft pretzel for lunch at the moment. This is a very pressing matter. I think the pizza sounds better. But should I go the healthier route and do the salad? Should I take the high road? Anytime the high road includes a soft pretzel I'm pretty much game. I'll let you know how this inner struggle pans out.
The last few days have been interesting. In a very boring, quiet, slightly depressing way. I hope I don't come off as someone who is down a lot. I tend to write more when I'm feeling emotional as therapy, but in general I think I'm a pretty positive person. Maybe I should say I like to think that. Anyway, it's interesting because writing about how I've been feeling hasn't even been something I've felt up to doing lately. I'd rather hole up and nap or watch the tube or eat or something else that eventually just makes me feel worse. But I feel like I'm losing my appetite for life. Just, before you start to get concerned, I don't believe I'm depressed or anything...just going through a dry spell and probably perpetuating it with my own bad habits. And I'm not sure what has changed. I don't know what has switched in my mind that I suddenly feel so tired of my life and sad that it's not what I want it to be. At least, I don't know why it has come on so fast. I think discontent has been mounting for a while, but I didn't expect to feel so lost so suddenly. Last night I expressed this feeling among friends and someone asked me if it was because I went to a wedding this weekend and "she found a husband" [and I haven't.] I don't know, I hope I'm not that predictable and shallow that one might assume going to a wedding makes me depressed just because one of my friends is in love. Please let me never be one of those women. I'm so happy when my friends find love and I can see how genuine and beautiful it is. I love weddings. But I guess sadly in a way she was right, because I feel like I'm struggling with forward motion. And going to a wedding makes me feel like everyone else eventually figures stuff out. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm fortunate to have a job and a place to live and whatnot. But in other ways I feel like I'm standing completely still while others are moving right past me. It's great to have a job and to be making money and yada yada, but when you've plateaued and aren't quite sure where you're going or when you'll get there, it becomes very monotonous. And I don't feel like a grown-up. It's been three years in my job and I think I have far surpassed the point of moving on and moving up. I'm trying to find something else but it's slow-going and discouraging not knowing really even what I want to do with my life. And relationships are another story. I've been waiting for the right person and the right timing, feeling more ready than I ever have, all the while thinking I might have passed it up. This is where it's especially hard to not be able to see God's bigger picture. I listen to single girlfriends talk about this subject all the time, and usually give them the same advice: God is wise in His timing--learn to trust and be patient. I should take my own advice, but boy, what a hard pill to swallow. It's something I know I want and I feel ready for. But I keep watching it happen to other people. I also don't know if I'll ever feel completely confident about love because I am such a second-guesser. I am so envious of people who take the risk of falling in love - I have never felt it's that easy.
And now here I am, frustrated to the point of letting go and not caring. My life feels stagnant, like nothing is happening, good or bad. I know I have the power to change that and that it doesn't depend on having a relationship or a new job, but those things have worn me out for the time being and I don't feel like trying right now. I want to want more for myself and to stop feeling sorry for myself. I want to want to take the reins and go somewhere or just do something. But do you ever just feel like you want to be stuck where you are and not care for a while? Even while you know you're making things worse? Urgh.
This would be the point in the post where I might quote Scripture or someone very wise to give all of this a positive spin. But forgive me for not wanting to recite the cliche response. I don't feel I have a whole lot of resolution for the time being...and I'm just being totally honest.
I've decided on the salad with the pretzel, which ties up at least one loose end...
4 comments:
CHRISTEN. DUDE. I know what you mean when you said wanting to stay in the place and not care for awhile. That is dead on what I feel sometimes/mostly. I think in our society people are so obessed with "moving forward" that if your life isn't constantly changing we feel like we're not doing enough. And its frustrating when there are goals you have and you just don't have the umph to go get 'em at the moment. And then the self doubt and guilt come in like "what if in 20 years I'm still stuck and looking back and wisihing I had done something about it?" BLURG! I have been in a sleeping/reading/tv/eating mode lately as well. It's ok to feel happy for someone and sad at the same time. You are NOT transparent ...if anyone knows you they know you are not on the husband hunt...just wanting what God wants. I love you man...hang in there. Dry spells are a horrid part of life...and they do pass. Sometimes it's important to go into your "inner bunker" and just exist for awhile. Call me whenevs if you want to shoot the breeze and talk about the humdrumnesss of freakin life!!!
Christen,
I love you, friend.
Thank you for being so honest in your posts.
I want to just give you a big hug right now. I know there are no words that can change your circumstances, and you pretty much nailed it when you said that we just have to wait and trust . . . but sometimes that is downright infuriating, frustrating and painful.
This is such a weird phase of life . . . in our 20's, done with school, working, chillin', no signs of any change coming our way.
The only advice I can really give would be the things you already know - just tell God how you feel honestly - because He can handle everything you are feeling, and to know that He is bigger than all of this, that He is sovereign, that all things work together for your good.
It's by no means easy, this stage in life . . . and I find myself restless as well. However, I'm glad for friends who I can stand by during this time - and I'm glad for you.
Christen, thanks for being so honest and open. I know exactly what you mean. Since the unemployment/survival mode of life last fall I feel like I went into hibernation just to survive. I gave up on everything...which isn't very comforting as a small group leader...but I feel like I'm starting to come awake again. (Although current circumstance are enough to send me back.) Those dry spells do past. Cling to Him, that's literally the only thing that couldn even begin to pull me out and even then I often failed. My mom told me just last night to pray for His perspective instead of just praying for what to do. When you begin to understand how He sees things you not only get closer to Him, but it's easier to see a way out when you see what He seees. I'll be praying with and for you, dear friend. I love you!
This post is awesome. That's why I don't talk about myself on my blog much. Because I just don't have the courage to let people know how I am really feeling, particularly on the bad days. So good for you for your honesty.
Not two weeks ago, I just let loose all my frustrations in a conversation with my mom telling her how I was just so tired of trying to make things happen in my life that just never seem to happen. I definitely sometimes feel like I am stuck at the kids' table. So I think I sympathize and I say embrace your inner emo. And when you're done with that, read 2 Corinthians to regain your balance.
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